this morning as i was getting ready to leave for work, my thoughts wandered over to two of my friends who were both in serious relationships for a long amount of time. both of them, i thought, were on the marriage path. in fact, one of them was actually engaged to her guy. the other friend moved to another country to be with his girl. i just figured that since he made such a big gesture, marriage was a hop, skip, and a jump away.
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then i heard that both of them were suddenly, unexpectedly single. apparently each one wasn’t quite ready for marriage and their significant others couldn’t take it any more. i understand that if one partner is working towards marriage and the other isn’t that it can usually be the thing that breaks couples up. however, these two cases were so completely mind-boggling!
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my girlfriend and her guy were engaged. here is the email she wrote to me and several other friends, explaining the whole sordid deal. brace yourself, it’s a doozy….
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“I’ll try to spare you details but a little over two months ago my EX-fiance and I decided to postpone our wedding, which was supposed to occur in July 2008. Apparently this was a huge blow to Jeff’s (name changed) ego and his faith in our relationship became strained. It didn’t really seem to be a problem until about 2 weeks ago when I started having trouble reaching Jeff on his phone. One night I drove all around trying to see if I could find him because I was worried about him. I didn’t hear back from him until the next afternoon when he said something about being with coworkers and leaving his phone in his car. Then I didn’t hear from him for the rest of that night even though I tried to reach him to invite him to some events. His later explanation for this was something about his car charger and phone battery not working, although I poked some holes in this reasoning because I pointed out that when I called, the phone did not go straight to voicemail, which is what usually happens when phone batteries die. Anyway I was sick the following week and Jeff did not want to “risk getting sick” so we did not really see each other or talk much until last Thursday, when Jeff asked if he could stop by my place. He was here for about 15 minutes. This consisted of him taking the key to his house off my keychain and saying how he had been really hurt by our postponing the wedding and that he felt like things were really hard for us since our schedules often didn’t work out. He then reminded me that he was going to be working on a work assignment in the desert for 3 months starting in January, and that he felt he would like to “cut ties” before he goes, and that he wanted to be free. I didn’t really know what to say – this was all out of left field, although I had been having thoughts that our relationship wasn’t doing so great.
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Ok so then before leaving last Thursday Jeff told me he was going on a business trip out “into the desert” this past weekend and that he’d be gone starting Friday and wouldn’t really have cell phone reception on the military base. Therefore I didn’t really bother trying to reach him. I didn’t hear from him until this Tuesday afternoon, when he called me at work to get my credit card info so he could cancel our gym membership, and he told me he was separating our checking account too and that he was “happy with his life”. I probed him about this, wondering if he meant we really did break up and that he was sticking to it so I asked if he was “happy with… the new turn it had taken?” He said yes. So I decided we really were breaking up and started getting used to the idea of just being friends with him. By yesterday (Wed.) I had accepted that maybe it was for the best – some people just aren’t meant to be together. and we had different goals – he wanted to settle down and get married, and I wasn’t *quite* ready for that yet. Anyways he called me again at work yesterday and asked if we could meet up and talk after work. I figured we were finally going to have a serious talk about “taking a break” for a while, so naturally I agreed.
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Jeff seemed really happy when I got to his house. We chatted like good friends, and he said he was sorry that our relationship didn’t work out but that he was available to talk whenever I needed someone and that I could call him if I needed an “escort” or somewhere to keep my dogs. I started to feel better about the idea that we could have a good transition from a romantic to a friendly relationship, and I told him I thought we would make good friends and I would support him finding somebody else who made him happy. ANYWAY, long story short, Jeff’s phone rang when I was about done moving my boxes from his garage into my car. I was still forcing a bright mood at this time. He said his friend was coming, and he gave directions to his house. Then this girl pulled up and it was this Chinese girl I had met a few weeks ago when I stopped by his house to get help with a flat tire. I was friendly to her and then Jeff went to introduce us – and here comes the bombshell. He said “Sherry (name changed), meet MRS. SMITH (name changed)”. Jeff’s last name is Smith (name changed). He then went on, in the same excited attitude, to tell me about how they were in the same internship program at work and that they had gotten to know each other better starting ONE week ago and realized they both had similar stories about their romantic situations. THEN he told me that they went to Las Vegas with some other coworkers last weekend and GOT MARRIED!!!!! They both had wedding bands on to prove it. Apparently she’s met his family (who thinks she’s only a girlfriend still), and they showed her his baby pictures. Obviously I was in disbelief, but by this time I was playing the “platonic friend” role to a T. I told them how excited I was for them, and that I was glad he found somebody who makes him happy. He joyfully stated that she made him “really, really happy”. He then suggested that I talk to her sometime because I could share with her some info about him since I knew him better than she did. I said, sure, send me her contact info. Then we talked about how she was going to move into his house and watch over his room while he was away on his business travels, and then after that they would live there together, since of course, that’s what married people do. He told me their “official wedding day” when they get re-married in the Catholic Church is going to be Christmas Eve of next year and that I was invited if I wanted to go – I said of course. He invited me to stay for dinner – I felt like saying I’d rather eat razor blades but politely declined and took off.
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I’m really good at pretending to be okay, as I’ve been hearing a lot recently. Jeff got a kick out of telling me how even their coworkers who had witnessed the ceremony didn’t even believe it was for real. It is for real. What’s rather unbelievable is how both of them seemed so clueless to the fact that I was faking to be genuinely happy for them and supportive – I mean, how could I be? I AM human…
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Well, that’s the story. The killer is that Jeff never really told me we weren’t going to be together anymore before he got married. And he lied about where he went last weekend. And now he thinks I’m totally cool with everything. Do I even know this person? I didn’t think he was an unfaithful person. Anyway I’m sorry this is such a convoluted tale. I wanted you to hear it from me and not from rumors. I am relieved that I did not feel pressured to marry before I felt ready. Mostly I am just in shock. I really appreciate the support, but do not pity me. I’m not “falling apart” – I will move on soon and if I laugh it is because you all make me happy and bring joy into my life. Also, I do not prefer to talk over the phone, so please write me back if you want or you can just feel indignation on my behalf – that will be good enough.
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Maybe someday I will be able to sleep normally again…”
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my heart ached after reading this. literally. i felt like i would completely melt into a puddle and like i would need to lie in bed for 2 weeks with the covers pulled tight over my head after reading this. the man she loved, the man she had a relationship with, just up and MARRIED someone else without even telling my friend they were officially over. who does that?!? true, she wasn’t completely ready to marry, but they had set a date! that showed commitment to SOMETHING! this happened a while ago, but it still shocks me every time i think about it. and he was ex-military, which makes me even MORE hesitant to date anyone who was ex-military!
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my guy friend’s story is kind of the same, except he moved to a whole ‘nother country to be with this girl. they were together three years, and then she got mad when he didn’t propose. they were on vacation in some other country when she asked him when he was going to propose. he said he wasn’t ready, and after they got back from vacation, she dumped him. he was devastated, of course, but tried to keep her as a friend. like the other story, he couldn’t reach her for a few days and when he finally did get a hold of her to talk, she was already re-married. She had re-married three days after they got back from their vacation!!!!!!! THREE DAYS!!!!! and both of these friends had it happen in a similar time period, too. what an odd little coincidence.
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i mean, how do you go from LOVING someone and wanting to spend your life with them to marrying someone completely different in a matter of days or weeks?? it scares me, too, because you really never know about other people. you can put yourself out there, and feel like your significant other is on the same page as you the whole time, when, really, they’re not.
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but it also makes me think – is the Y generation gamophobic? Are we afraid of marriage because we feel the need to establish ourselves, grow up, be independent before we commit…or are we really just afraid of marriage itself? i know it scares the heck out of me! i definitely am NOT ready for marriage, but i’ve got a whole laundry list of reasons as to why i’m not ready. i mean, i’m not even IN a relationship; of course i wouldn’t be ready for marriage! these two friends were in serious relationships for pretty long, but what made them “not ready”?
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