weekends were where we fell apart December 16, 2008

would you ever date a smoker if you were a non-smoker? today i found myself contemplating that question. i grew up with a dad who smoked, and i absolutely hated every second that he smoked. i’m also really sensitive to smells, and the overwhelming, pungent nature of the smell of smoke tends to overpower everything and make everything smell like smoke for days. i’m not sure i could take that.

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not that i’m dating a smoker…or even dating at all, for that matter. the most recent dude isn’t getting back with the ex, but he said that after talking to her, he needs time alone to sort some things out. i’m not sure if that was his way of telling me that he wasn’t interested anymore or what. he mentioned that i should feel free to keep in touch, if i’d like to. but my question is: does he even want to keep in touch anymore? it doesn’t really seem so. and that makes me profoundly sad. he says he’s in a weird place right now, but i’m not sure where he turned the corner and lost me. we were getting along so well in almost every single way imaginable, and then poof! no more. if there’s one thing i don’t do well with, it’s the unexplained. i will sit and think and wonder “what if” for so long. in fact, i don’t think i ever have an expiration date on those ponderings. they just keep looping, and i just keep finding myself sad or frustrated that i couldn’t find an answer.

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it truly seemed like we would have waves of good and bad, he and i. we had a string of good, and then thanksgiving weekend came and the ex came back into the picture. then we had a great week, and then the weekend came and it was question mark city. now it’s another week and i’m not so sure we’ll have another good one. the weird thing is, he went from being so open to communication to completely shutting down without warning. and i’m not sure if that’s something in him, or if it was something that resulted from his talk with his ex. in any case, i’ve been pretty much a lifeless blob since the communication breakdown. today was particularly bad, as i was going over it with a guy friend, and i nearly burst into tears at work and i was typing out my confusion to him. i guess i REALLY don’t grasp unanswered concepts very well.

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it was like trying to go through the better part of last week and the beginning of this week feeling like a balloon that had been blown up and then deflated after a week of being blown up. i don’t even know if it was something i did, or something i didn’t do…i don’t know anything. but i’ll tell you this much: it’s getting old being this debbie downer! i guess even the “big guy upstairs” had enough of my one-women pity party, as well, because he threw me a bone to make me smile.

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after class today, i was waiting for a friend who needed to talk to the professor and ended up sitting alone in the lobby of our building. this guy i had always seen around but never met was in the lobby, too, and he turned around from where he was stapling his papers and said hello. i used to have this silly, passer-by crush on him. you know, the type where you’ve never met the person, but you see them all the time and you run into them all the time and you know people who know that person? i never thought anything of it, just someone cute who seemed nice from afar. you know, a passer-by crush.

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so we get to talking, and as he’s talking, he just seems like the most genuine, easy-going person. he mentions that he’s working full time, taking six courses, and graduating from a 3 year program in two and a half years. it was then that i felt like the underachiever of the world. SIX classes on top of a 40 hour work-week? are you kidding me?? what kind of super-powered humanoid has the endurance to do that?? his area of specialty is also an area i’m interested in, and he’s graduating in may when i am. our programs do a joint graduation ceremony, so we’ll be walking together. the more he’s talking, the more i find myself wishing i wasn’t accidentally sporting the “donald trump comb-over” (hey, the weater was NOT agreeing with my bangs, okay? who’s ever heard of 25-30 mph winds in so cal, anyway??) and hoping i wasn’t sitting there grinning like an idiot.

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it was totally random and unexpected, especially after the downer of a day i’d been having thinking about the most recent guy. but i have to think that tonight’s guy was at least interested in meeting me, since he was just standing there, shooting the breeze for 10 minutes when he was clearly done with whatever it is he was doing. that, or he is just the friendliest person ever and stays and talks to people he doesn’t know all the time! i prefere to think it was the first one sometimes i wonder if i do the unintentional staring thing or something when we see each other or pass each other in the building, and that’s what finally prompted him to say hello rather than forever holding me in his head as the “creepy stare-y girl.” but i don’t think so. also, if a guy did the creepy, stare-y thing to me, i’m not so sure i’d initiate conversation, so maybe he did just want to talk to me

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he mentioned that he has a final tomorrow (as do i), so maybe i’ll run into him. i actually learned a lot about him in the short time we talked, it was kinda cool. i should have asked what time his final was, but i’m just not quick enough on my feet. besides, my friends were there and that would have been a little bit awkward trying to be slick in front of your friends who have seen you at your silliest/goofiest.

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and yes, this all seems so random, but it brings me back to the beginning of my post. he smokes. and not that he’s even interested in me and not like i know him enough to be interested, either, but it makes me think about whether or not that would be a deal-breaker for me. i don’t think very many things are deal-breakers for me, to be honest, but smoking is one i’ve never actually had to decide on, so i don’t know what i’d choose. my mom isn’t a smoker, but my dad is. and they have one of the happiest marriages i know of.

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i saw that as a sign that the big guy upstairs wanted me to smile, since he helped me meet someone i’ve never met, but always wanted to. and it worked

limbo December 8, 2008

it seems i will never truly find my footing in the dating world. i heard back from the guy, but it is still a big, fat question mark. he and his ex are supposed to talk some time this week to figure out what is going on. he and i have been talking almost every day since he told me about her, and it’s been really good. but there is still the chance that he and his ex will decide to work things out. it’s definitely not fun, being in this “wait and see” stage. he did clear some things up and gave me some hope, though. he mentioned that he’s definitely guarded with her, and he heard that she cheated on him when they were together, so he needs to find out for sure before he can move on.

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but i know how it goes with exes. you can’t help but WANT to forgive, sometimes, just because of the history you have with them. for some people, history is good enough to overshadow all the bad. i’ve expressed all these concerns with him, since i feel there is no need to be dishonest at this point. all i’ve got going for me is that i am honest, and that he genuinely seems interested, at least. he said to me: “I don’t know what it is about you. at the risk of scaring you off…i’m super attracted to you.” so, either he really is interested, or he’s really good at faking it and is just trying to gather a crowd of admirers. the weird thing is, i also find myself super attracted to him, even though i’m usually pretty guarded. i mean, i fall fast, but i don’t usually fall hard quickly. ugh, it’s all so confusing!

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isn’t it funny, the way attraction works? sometimes it’s just something beyond your force or control. there may be people you’d give the world to, but they don’t feel a damn thing for you. and then there are those who want something with you, and you never see it happening. with him, i finally felt like there was a mutual, reciprocal attraction for once….and then the ex stepped back into the picture. gah! it’s so frustrating.

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oh yeah, did i mention his ex got breast enhancements after they broke up? yeeeeah. i don’t know if my “winning personality” is a match for a giant set of (fake) double Ds. i hate girls who get boob jobs. i knew a girl who got them at my old job and she was the most fake woman ever. i think it speaks volumes about a girl’s character if she needs a set of fake boobs to feel good about herself (excluding cancer patients).

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more when i hear how their talk went….keep your fingers crossed for me!

time December 2, 2008

remember when you were a kid and time seemed to last soooo long.  a day, an hour, heck, even sitting still for 10 minutes seemed like an eternity.  now that i’m all “growed up,” it seems that time has given me the proverbial middle finger.  i blink and the day is gone.  i never did gracefully grasp the fact that time is now on crack and operating at triple speed.  now, i have even more reason to be at odds with time.  or, rather, my latest beef with time has to do with timing.  it is NEVER the right time for me.

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the last three guys i started to date all mentioned something about timing.  the first one said that if he had met me at a different time, we would have dated and probably dated quite a while, but he just wasn’t in the place to date just for the sake of dating.  he was on the marriage track (in general, not with me), and i wasn’t.

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the second one had started seeing someone the same time he started seeing me, which i was completely fine with.  timing (the little bitch), though, was not on my side for this one, either.   apparently they progressed a lot faster than he and i did, and they decided to be exclusive, which left me in the dust.  i remember when he told me in person, and i felt like all the blood drained from my face and my mouth spontaneously went dry.  i couldn’t look him in the eye for the fear that he’d see the sheer disappointment, and it took all that i had in  me to tell him that it was decent of him to tell me in person.  it WAS decent of him to tell me in person, but that didn’t change the fact that it hurt or that it was happening all over again. i’ve learned that they have since split, which is a little odd since they JUST started really dating.

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and now the most recent case of timing screwing me over.  i recently started talking to a guy who i really thought had potential.  we sent emails back and forth all day long, and they weren’t just quick little one- or two-liners.  we’re talking lengthy emails with page after page of details, questions, and flirty but tasteful banter.  phone conversations were equally fun, and i began thinking what fun it would be to go out with this guy.  and then thanksgiving happened.  apparently he ran into his ex-girlfriend who he really loved, and they’re “seeing what happens.”  i guess the only reason they broke up was because they both were moving, and now they’re both back in the same city.  how luuuuuuuuuuucky for me.  when he told me, i literally felt my heart stop for a few seconds.  i couldn’t believe it was happening to me again. i just sat there, numb and unresponsive for about 10 minutes.

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i remain friends with all these guys, but i wonder if it’s bad to do so?  will i be cast into the friend zone forever once i get there, never to enter back into the realm of “possible dating partner”?  i’m still in disbelief that yet another time, timing has given me the big, fat shaft.  i guess it’s back to the search for me…

post-Thanksgiving ponderings November 30, 2008

so, as the long weekend slowly winds down, i’m left in the wake of my guilty, mashed potato-induced lethargy.  it’s been a weird week, to be honest.  i have been consistently emailing this guy back and forth for about two weeks, and we were supposed to meet the wednesday before thanksgiving, but we never did meet up.  in fact, i still haven’t heard from him via email or phone since Tuesday afternoon.  even though the emails were pretty consistent (multiple emails a day, always lengthy and witty, each one showing more and more interest), part of me is getting ready to cast this guy into the “never hear from him again” files.

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the thing that i can’t shake, though, is how real this guy seemed.  i mean, i know you’re thinking: how much can you REALLY know from 20 something emails and a phone conversation, right?  but why would he put so much effort into responding (and responding quickly, for that matter) and writing such lengthy, interesting emails?  i got the guy’s full name, i googled him, he existed all over the internet as a “not creepy loner guy,” so what gives?

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part of me is wondering if maybe he suffered some horrible accident Tuesday night that rendered him unable to pick up the phone or power up the old laptop?  and then the other part of me wonders: what if he just didn’t bother to call?  no reason, no nothing.  isn’t it too early for the ambivalence?  i mean, if we make plans to meet up and you’re already pulling a no-show without any reason, that can’t be a good sign.  and, if that IS the case, do i just accept the fact that he didn’t call and decide to give him another chance when he decides he wants to meet up?  ahhh, the question marks of the dating world.

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yes, he hasn’t called.  but neither have i.  and really, i don’t think it should be my job to call at this point.  i called wednesday when i thought we were supposed to meet and left a message asking if he still wanted to meet.  i also texted, just in case he was stuck in a meeting at work and couldn’t call.  the ball is clearly in his court now.  i refuse to be one of those clingy, desperate girls who calls every two seconds until she gets an answer.  i’m just not hardwired to be that kind of girl; i’m the complete antithesis of needy.

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so now i wait.  i won’t call, i won’t email, i just wait.  and if i don’t hear from him, so be it.  such a shame, though, because he had so much potential.

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and then there was the OTHER guy who WASN’T so high on the “strong possibilities” list.  i get a random text from him the other night that said “what are you up to?”  i tell him i’m about to go to bed, since it’s 11pm and I have an early day.  His response was “A better idea would be to come run naked with me in the rain.”

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.what.

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I did NOT know this guy well enough for him to be making jokes like that.  in fact, i found his persistent texts and his inability to listen to what i was really saying a little annoying and exhausting.  like one time, i was babysitting, and told him i was doing so and that the baby was really crying and being fussy, and his response was “have you ever heard vinyl on an actual record player?”

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-pause-

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oooookay.  i decide to ignore the text because 1)the baby in my arms was screaming directly into my left ear and 2)what the crap did that have to do with crap??

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this weekend has given me a lot of time to look over assignments i’d been putting off, but now i’m left with the guy quandary.  i guess more answers are to come.  hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving!

the things you learn on a random outing with friends November 24, 2008

this past weekend, a few friends and I headed north to one of their parents’ house. he was supposed to dog-sit for his parents who were out of town, so the rest of us jumped in the car with him and headed out. it was definitely an interesting journey, the kind you never expect to have, but often find yourself engaged in when out with good friends.

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let me preface this by saying that i’m what some might classify as an “over sharer.” actually, i’m more of an “over asker” rather than an over sharer. i’m a curious person by nature, so if i am around those i trust, i tend to let the gauntlet of “interesting” questions come out. i love being around people who aren’t put off by this, but who are, in fact, compelled to ask an “interesting” question themselves after my question, thus, perpetuating the cycle of knowledge

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so we’re in the car and on the way to the parental units house when my we get on the subject of significant others. quirks, likes, dislikes, etc. we mulled over each topic, and somehow or other, we began discussing the way you clasp hands. you know how, if you’re just sitting there waiting for something, you sometimes have the tendency to clasp your hands together? everyone in the car, except for one of my friends, clasped their hands so that the top thumb is the left-hand thumb. that led to the topic of hand holding with a significant other. most of the people in the car were girls, and every one of us agreed that it was odd to be the arm on top/in front (aka the “dominant arm”).

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the driver (and the only guy) was willing to play along when we each made him hold our hands to see which “clasp” worked best between a girl and a guy.   the funny thing was, i used to have a bit of a crush on him, too, so holding his hand was like a flashback to the good ole days i’m not sure when i grew out of the crush, but somewhere along the line i began to realize that i was sometimes embarrassed by him when we were out in public. not necessarily like i didn’t want to be seen with him or anything, but certain ways he reacted to things would kind of make me cringe a little. i think i’m so “others” focused that i am always bracing for the reaction of others. i don’t think this would necessarily cause my crush to diminish; i think it was more the fact that he wasn’t interested in me…

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anyway, so we strolled up to the restaurant hand-in-hand, and i remember thinking “hey, this isn’t so bad.” and then i moved on. or, so i thought.

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lunch was filled with some of the most hilarious conversation i’ve had in ages.  we discussed the fact that men “man-scape” up north and down south and how girls vary in their waxing preferences.  from the landing strip, to the full brazilian, to the overgrown jungle (a la natural),  women and men both are taking some pretty similar steps in the same direction.  could it be that men and women have finally begun to stride in unison?!  unheard of!   i found out the “maintenance preference” for every single person there, including the guy!!  so much i did NOT know about my friends before!

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personally, i never saw the point in a landing strip.  if a guy or girl needs a landing strip to find the location of where they’re going, that is a sad, sad sign, my friends.  conversely, if the guy or girl has trouble “locating the docking station,” then it’s a sign that a little home maintenance might do a person some good, no?  that’s just my two cents…

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anyway, we get to his place, where we encounter the most playful dog known to man. i think it’s weird that when i see a guy in a family-type setting, i start to dig them a little more. like, i love dads who are super playful with their kids. i love guys who will walk a dog. i love guys who do the little things like clean a gutter without complaining. family-type settings. the funny thing is, i’m not even sure i want kids, but the fact that they can do these types of things gives them a few extra brownie points in my book.

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he was super playful and cute with his dog, and i was starting to worry that the crush i buried was starting to bubble up again.  when we all went to the dog park, there were several times where he looked at me and i had to quickly glance away, lest i show any sign of interest in my eyes.  he wasn’t even looking at me in that way, but i was still careful to shield my eyes with my sunglasses.  is that silly?

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in any case, i know that my rush of affection was mainly just from seeing him in a different light – i’m sure they don’t really mean anything.  but it’s just interesting to think that these little flutterings of feelings i thought i outgrew could creep back out when i least expected it!

making awkwardness an art form October 15, 2008

today i ran into a boy i’d been crushing on for a while at the super market, and it was nice to see him. i always kind of *hope* to run into him at the store, especially because i know we both live about the same distance from that particular market, but it’s never actually happened until today.

***

of course i didn’t stop to think that i looked like CRAP since i had just come out of an hour-long, heated yoga class, sporting the sweaty workout ‘do and probably some mean under-eye black smudges (who has time to remove makeup after work before yoga??), before i opened my fat trap and shouted “Jason!”

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oops, too late to take it back now! he moseyed over and gave me a hug (a one-armed, side hug…he might as well have punched me in the face twice ) and we made small talk.

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this was when he glanced down and i was completely embarrassed because of my overhaul of junk food. i mean, i had fruit and healthy stuff in there…they were just hidden by the top layer of junk! he asked me what i had and i HAD to confess that yes, that WAS indeed a cream cheese coffee cake i had sitting in my basket.

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as we were parting ways, we did the awkward shuffle, where we both kind of went in for a hug but then decided against it…at different times. to the innocent bystander, it would have looked like the “dance of the uncertain introverts,” each one not sure if they should go in for the kill. in other words, i’m sure it looked
every bit as awkward as it felt.

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moral of the story: i think i win the award for the most perpetually awkward impressions made over the length of a friendship. ask anyone. i could just be meeting you, have known you for a year, or known you for ten years; i’d still have the mad skeelz to make you feel that shifty little pit of uneasiness and wonderment in a situation that you’d rather not be in.

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looking back, i think i’m probably the worst person to work with in terms of signals. i never seem to get it until after the situation has passed. he asked me which way i was going in the supermarket, and instead of making SOMETHING (for the love of God, ANYTHING!!!) up so i could traipse through the produce section with him, i muttered “oh, i’m already done.”

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i know, i know. what the crap, right?? had i been more adept at picking up signals and less concerned about smiling at him like a buffoon, we might have happily shopped our little hearts away, slapping melons together (what, that’s how you pick melons, right?? ) and inspecting the apples for bruises.

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but alas, if i was that skilled, maybe i’d already have a boyfriend.