weekends were where we fell apart December 16, 2008

would you ever date a smoker if you were a non-smoker? today i found myself contemplating that question. i grew up with a dad who smoked, and i absolutely hated every second that he smoked. i’m also really sensitive to smells, and the overwhelming, pungent nature of the smell of smoke tends to overpower everything and make everything smell like smoke for days. i’m not sure i could take that.

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not that i’m dating a smoker…or even dating at all, for that matter. the most recent dude isn’t getting back with the ex, but he said that after talking to her, he needs time alone to sort some things out. i’m not sure if that was his way of telling me that he wasn’t interested anymore or what. he mentioned that i should feel free to keep in touch, if i’d like to. but my question is: does he even want to keep in touch anymore? it doesn’t really seem so. and that makes me profoundly sad. he says he’s in a weird place right now, but i’m not sure where he turned the corner and lost me. we were getting along so well in almost every single way imaginable, and then poof! no more. if there’s one thing i don’t do well with, it’s the unexplained. i will sit and think and wonder “what if” for so long. in fact, i don’t think i ever have an expiration date on those ponderings. they just keep looping, and i just keep finding myself sad or frustrated that i couldn’t find an answer.

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it truly seemed like we would have waves of good and bad, he and i. we had a string of good, and then thanksgiving weekend came and the ex came back into the picture. then we had a great week, and then the weekend came and it was question mark city. now it’s another week and i’m not so sure we’ll have another good one. the weird thing is, he went from being so open to communication to completely shutting down without warning. and i’m not sure if that’s something in him, or if it was something that resulted from his talk with his ex. in any case, i’ve been pretty much a lifeless blob since the communication breakdown. today was particularly bad, as i was going over it with a guy friend, and i nearly burst into tears at work and i was typing out my confusion to him. i guess i REALLY don’t grasp unanswered concepts very well.

—

it was like trying to go through the better part of last week and the beginning of this week feeling like a balloon that had been blown up and then deflated after a week of being blown up. i don’t even know if it was something i did, or something i didn’t do…i don’t know anything. but i’ll tell you this much: it’s getting old being this debbie downer! i guess even the “big guy upstairs” had enough of my one-women pity party, as well, because he threw me a bone to make me smile.

—

after class today, i was waiting for a friend who needed to talk to the professor and ended up sitting alone in the lobby of our building. this guy i had always seen around but never met was in the lobby, too, and he turned around from where he was stapling his papers and said hello. i used to have this silly, passer-by crush on him. you know, the type where you’ve never met the person, but you see them all the time and you run into them all the time and you know people who know that person? i never thought anything of it, just someone cute who seemed nice from afar. you know, a passer-by crush.

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so we get to talking, and as he’s talking, he just seems like the most genuine, easy-going person. he mentions that he’s working full time, taking six courses, and graduating from a 3 year program in two and a half years. it was then that i felt like the underachiever of the world. SIX classes on top of a 40 hour work-week? are you kidding me?? what kind of super-powered humanoid has the endurance to do that?? his area of specialty is also an area i’m interested in, and he’s graduating in may when i am. our programs do a joint graduation ceremony, so we’ll be walking together. the more he’s talking, the more i find myself wishing i wasn’t accidentally sporting the “donald trump comb-over” (hey, the weater was NOT agreeing with my bangs, okay? who’s ever heard of 25-30 mph winds in so cal, anyway??) and hoping i wasn’t sitting there grinning like an idiot.

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it was totally random and unexpected, especially after the downer of a day i’d been having thinking about the most recent guy. but i have to think that tonight’s guy was at least interested in meeting me, since he was just standing there, shooting the breeze for 10 minutes when he was clearly done with whatever it is he was doing. that, or he is just the friendliest person ever and stays and talks to people he doesn’t know all the time! i prefere to think it was the first one sometimes i wonder if i do the unintentional staring thing or something when we see each other or pass each other in the building, and that’s what finally prompted him to say hello rather than forever holding me in his head as the “creepy stare-y girl.” but i don’t think so. also, if a guy did the creepy, stare-y thing to me, i’m not so sure i’d initiate conversation, so maybe he did just want to talk to me

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he mentioned that he has a final tomorrow (as do i), so maybe i’ll run into him. i actually learned a lot about him in the short time we talked, it was kinda cool. i should have asked what time his final was, but i’m just not quick enough on my feet. besides, my friends were there and that would have been a little bit awkward trying to be slick in front of your friends who have seen you at your silliest/goofiest.

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and yes, this all seems so random, but it brings me back to the beginning of my post. he smokes. and not that he’s even interested in me and not like i know him enough to be interested, either, but it makes me think about whether or not that would be a deal-breaker for me. i don’t think very many things are deal-breakers for me, to be honest, but smoking is one i’ve never actually had to decide on, so i don’t know what i’d choose. my mom isn’t a smoker, but my dad is. and they have one of the happiest marriages i know of.

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i saw that as a sign that the big guy upstairs wanted me to smile, since he helped me meet someone i’ve never met, but always wanted to. and it worked

limbo December 8, 2008

it seems i will never truly find my footing in the dating world. i heard back from the guy, but it is still a big, fat question mark. he and his ex are supposed to talk some time this week to figure out what is going on. he and i have been talking almost every day since he told me about her, and it’s been really good. but there is still the chance that he and his ex will decide to work things out. it’s definitely not fun, being in this “wait and see” stage. he did clear some things up and gave me some hope, though. he mentioned that he’s definitely guarded with her, and he heard that she cheated on him when they were together, so he needs to find out for sure before he can move on.

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but i know how it goes with exes. you can’t help but WANT to forgive, sometimes, just because of the history you have with them. for some people, history is good enough to overshadow all the bad. i’ve expressed all these concerns with him, since i feel there is no need to be dishonest at this point. all i’ve got going for me is that i am honest, and that he genuinely seems interested, at least. he said to me: “I don’t know what it is about you. at the risk of scaring you off…i’m super attracted to you.” so, either he really is interested, or he’s really good at faking it and is just trying to gather a crowd of admirers. the weird thing is, i also find myself super attracted to him, even though i’m usually pretty guarded. i mean, i fall fast, but i don’t usually fall hard quickly. ugh, it’s all so confusing!

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isn’t it funny, the way attraction works? sometimes it’s just something beyond your force or control. there may be people you’d give the world to, but they don’t feel a damn thing for you. and then there are those who want something with you, and you never see it happening. with him, i finally felt like there was a mutual, reciprocal attraction for once….and then the ex stepped back into the picture. gah! it’s so frustrating.

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oh yeah, did i mention his ex got breast enhancements after they broke up? yeeeeah. i don’t know if my “winning personality” is a match for a giant set of (fake) double Ds. i hate girls who get boob jobs. i knew a girl who got them at my old job and she was the most fake woman ever. i think it speaks volumes about a girl’s character if she needs a set of fake boobs to feel good about herself (excluding cancer patients).

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more when i hear how their talk went….keep your fingers crossed for me!

Generation Y – A Gamophobic Society? December 5, 2008

this morning as i was getting ready to leave for work, my thoughts wandered over to two of my friends who were both in serious relationships for a long amount of time. both of them, i thought, were on the marriage path. in fact, one of them was actually engaged to her guy. the other friend moved to another country to be with his girl. i just figured that since he made such a big gesture, marriage was a hop, skip, and a jump away.

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then i heard that both of them were suddenly, unexpectedly single. apparently each one wasn’t quite ready for marriage and their significant others couldn’t take it any more. i understand that if one partner is working towards marriage and the other isn’t that it can usually be the thing that breaks couples up. however, these two cases were so completely mind-boggling!

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my girlfriend and her guy were engaged. here is the email she wrote to me and several other friends, explaining the whole sordid deal. brace yourself, it’s a doozy….

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“I’ll try to spare you details but a little over two months ago my EX-fiance and I decided to postpone our wedding, which was supposed to occur in July 2008. Apparently this was a huge blow to Jeff’s (name changed) ego and his faith in our relationship became strained. It didn’t really seem to be a problem until about 2 weeks ago when I started having trouble reaching Jeff on his phone. One night I drove all around trying to see if I could find him because I was worried about him. I didn’t hear back from him until the next afternoon when he said something about being with coworkers and leaving his phone in his car. Then I didn’t hear from him for the rest of that night even though I tried to reach him to invite him to some events. His later explanation for this was something about his car charger and phone battery not working, although I poked some holes in this reasoning because I pointed out that when I called, the phone did not go straight to voicemail, which is what usually happens when phone batteries die. Anyway I was sick the following week and Jeff did not want to “risk getting sick” so we did not really see each other or talk much until last Thursday, when Jeff asked if he could stop by my place. He was here for about 15 minutes. This consisted of him taking the key to his house off my keychain and saying how he had been really hurt by our postponing the wedding and that he felt like things were really hard for us since our schedules often didn’t work out. He then reminded me that he was going to be working on a work assignment in the desert for 3 months starting in January, and that he felt he would like to “cut ties” before he goes, and that he wanted to be free. I didn’t really know what to say – this was all out of left field, although I had been having thoughts that our relationship wasn’t doing so great.

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Ok so then before leaving last Thursday Jeff told me he was going on a business trip out “into the desert” this past weekend and that he’d be gone starting Friday and wouldn’t really have cell phone reception on the military base. Therefore I didn’t really bother trying to reach him. I didn’t hear from him until this Tuesday afternoon, when he called me at work to get my credit card info so he could cancel our gym membership, and he told me he was separating our checking account too and that he was “happy with his life”. I probed him about this, wondering if he meant we really did break up and that he was sticking to it so I asked if he was “happy with… the new turn it had taken?” He said yes. So I decided we really were breaking up and started getting used to the idea of just being friends with him. By yesterday (Wed.) I had accepted that maybe it was for the best – some people just aren’t meant to be together. and we had different goals – he wanted to settle down and get married, and I wasn’t *quite* ready for that yet. Anyways he called me again at work yesterday and asked if we could meet up and talk after work. I figured we were finally going to have a serious talk about “taking a break” for a while, so naturally I agreed.

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Jeff seemed really happy when I got to his house. We chatted like good friends, and he said he was sorry that our relationship didn’t work out but that he was available to talk whenever I needed someone and that I could call him if I needed an “escort” or somewhere to keep my dogs. I started to feel better about the idea that we could have a good transition from a romantic to a friendly relationship, and I told him I thought we would make good friends and I would support him finding somebody else who made him happy. ANYWAY, long story short, Jeff’s phone rang when I was about done moving my boxes from his garage into my car. I was still forcing a bright mood at this time. He said his friend was coming, and he gave directions to his house. Then this girl pulled up and it was this Chinese girl I had met a few weeks ago when I stopped by his house to get help with a flat tire. I was friendly to her and then Jeff went to introduce us – and here comes the bombshell. He said “Sherry (name changed), meet MRS. SMITH (name changed)”. Jeff’s last name is Smith (name changed). He then went on, in the same excited attitude, to tell me about how they were in the same internship program at work and that they had gotten to know each other better starting ONE week ago and realized they both had similar stories about their romantic situations. THEN he told me that they went to Las Vegas with some other coworkers last weekend and GOT MARRIED!!!!! They both had wedding bands on to prove it. Apparently she’s met his family (who thinks she’s only a girlfriend still), and they showed her his baby pictures. Obviously I was in disbelief, but by this time I was playing the “platonic friend” role to a T. I told them how excited I was for them, and that I was glad he found somebody who makes him happy. He joyfully stated that she made him “really, really happy”. He then suggested that I talk to her sometime because I could share with her some info about him since I knew him better than she did. I said, sure, send me her contact info. Then we talked about how she was going to move into his house and watch over his room while he was away on his business travels, and then after that they would live there together, since of course, that’s what married people do. He told me their “official wedding day” when they get re-married in the Catholic Church is going to be Christmas Eve of next year and that I was invited if I wanted to go – I said of course. He invited me to stay for dinner – I felt like saying I’d rather eat razor blades but politely declined and took off.

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I’m really good at pretending to be okay, as I’ve been hearing a lot recently. Jeff got a kick out of telling me how even their coworkers who had witnessed the ceremony didn’t even believe it was for real. It is for real. What’s rather unbelievable is how both of them seemed so clueless to the fact that I was faking to be genuinely happy for them and supportive – I mean, how could I be? I AM human…

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Well, that’s the story. The killer is that Jeff never really told me we weren’t going to be together anymore before he got married. And he lied about where he went last weekend. And now he thinks I’m totally cool with everything. Do I even know this person? I didn’t think he was an unfaithful person. Anyway I’m sorry this is such a convoluted tale. I wanted you to hear it from me and not from rumors. I am relieved that I did not feel pressured to marry before I felt ready. Mostly I am just in shock. I really appreciate the support, but do not pity me. I’m not “falling apart” – I will move on soon and if I laugh it is because you all make me happy and bring joy into my life. Also, I do not prefer to talk over the phone, so please write me back if you want or you can just feel indignation on my behalf – that will be good enough.

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Maybe someday I will be able to sleep normally again…”

—

my heart ached after reading this. literally. i felt like i would completely melt into a puddle and like i would need to lie in bed for 2 weeks with the covers pulled tight over my head after reading this. the man she loved, the man she had a relationship with, just up and MARRIED someone else without even telling my friend they were officially over. who does that?!? true, she wasn’t completely ready to marry, but they had set a date! that showed commitment to SOMETHING! this happened a while ago, but it still shocks me every time i think about it. and he was ex-military, which makes me even MORE hesitant to date anyone who was ex-military!

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my guy friend’s story is kind of the same, except he moved to a whole ‘nother country to be with this girl. they were together three years, and then she got mad when he didn’t propose. they were on vacation in some other country when she asked him when he was going to propose. he said he wasn’t ready, and after they got back from vacation, she dumped him. he was devastated, of course, but tried to keep her as a friend. like the other story, he couldn’t reach her for a few days and when he finally did get a hold of her to talk, she was already re-married. She had re-married three days after they got back from their vacation!!!!!!! THREE DAYS!!!!! and both of these friends had it happen in a similar time period, too. what an odd little coincidence.

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i mean, how do you go from LOVING someone and wanting to spend your life with them to marrying someone completely different in a matter of days or weeks?? it scares me, too, because you really never know about other people. you can put yourself out there, and feel like your significant other is on the same page as you the whole time, when, really, they’re not.

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but it also makes me think – is the Y generation gamophobic? Are we afraid of marriage because we feel the need to establish ourselves, grow up, be independent before we commit…or are we really just afraid of marriage itself? i know it scares the heck out of me! i definitely am NOT ready for marriage, but i’ve got a whole laundry list of reasons as to why i’m not ready. i mean, i’m not even IN a relationship; of course i wouldn’t be ready for marriage! these two friends were in serious relationships for pretty long, but what made them “not ready”?

time December 2, 2008

remember when you were a kid and time seemed to last soooo long.  a day, an hour, heck, even sitting still for 10 minutes seemed like an eternity.  now that i’m all “growed up,” it seems that time has given me the proverbial middle finger.  i blink and the day is gone.  i never did gracefully grasp the fact that time is now on crack and operating at triple speed.  now, i have even more reason to be at odds with time.  or, rather, my latest beef with time has to do with timing.  it is NEVER the right time for me.

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the last three guys i started to date all mentioned something about timing.  the first one said that if he had met me at a different time, we would have dated and probably dated quite a while, but he just wasn’t in the place to date just for the sake of dating.  he was on the marriage track (in general, not with me), and i wasn’t.

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the second one had started seeing someone the same time he started seeing me, which i was completely fine with.  timing (the little bitch), though, was not on my side for this one, either.   apparently they progressed a lot faster than he and i did, and they decided to be exclusive, which left me in the dust.  i remember when he told me in person, and i felt like all the blood drained from my face and my mouth spontaneously went dry.  i couldn’t look him in the eye for the fear that he’d see the sheer disappointment, and it took all that i had in  me to tell him that it was decent of him to tell me in person.  it WAS decent of him to tell me in person, but that didn’t change the fact that it hurt or that it was happening all over again. i’ve learned that they have since split, which is a little odd since they JUST started really dating.

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and now the most recent case of timing screwing me over.  i recently started talking to a guy who i really thought had potential.  we sent emails back and forth all day long, and they weren’t just quick little one- or two-liners.  we’re talking lengthy emails with page after page of details, questions, and flirty but tasteful banter.  phone conversations were equally fun, and i began thinking what fun it would be to go out with this guy.  and then thanksgiving happened.  apparently he ran into his ex-girlfriend who he really loved, and they’re “seeing what happens.”  i guess the only reason they broke up was because they both were moving, and now they’re both back in the same city.  how luuuuuuuuuuucky for me.  when he told me, i literally felt my heart stop for a few seconds.  i couldn’t believe it was happening to me again. i just sat there, numb and unresponsive for about 10 minutes.

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i remain friends with all these guys, but i wonder if it’s bad to do so?  will i be cast into the friend zone forever once i get there, never to enter back into the realm of “possible dating partner”?  i’m still in disbelief that yet another time, timing has given me the big, fat shaft.  i guess it’s back to the search for me…

post-Thanksgiving ponderings November 30, 2008

so, as the long weekend slowly winds down, i’m left in the wake of my guilty, mashed potato-induced lethargy.  it’s been a weird week, to be honest.  i have been consistently emailing this guy back and forth for about two weeks, and we were supposed to meet the wednesday before thanksgiving, but we never did meet up.  in fact, i still haven’t heard from him via email or phone since Tuesday afternoon.  even though the emails were pretty consistent (multiple emails a day, always lengthy and witty, each one showing more and more interest), part of me is getting ready to cast this guy into the “never hear from him again” files.

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the thing that i can’t shake, though, is how real this guy seemed.  i mean, i know you’re thinking: how much can you REALLY know from 20 something emails and a phone conversation, right?  but why would he put so much effort into responding (and responding quickly, for that matter) and writing such lengthy, interesting emails?  i got the guy’s full name, i googled him, he existed all over the internet as a “not creepy loner guy,” so what gives?

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part of me is wondering if maybe he suffered some horrible accident Tuesday night that rendered him unable to pick up the phone or power up the old laptop?  and then the other part of me wonders: what if he just didn’t bother to call?  no reason, no nothing.  isn’t it too early for the ambivalence?  i mean, if we make plans to meet up and you’re already pulling a no-show without any reason, that can’t be a good sign.  and, if that IS the case, do i just accept the fact that he didn’t call and decide to give him another chance when he decides he wants to meet up?  ahhh, the question marks of the dating world.

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yes, he hasn’t called.  but neither have i.  and really, i don’t think it should be my job to call at this point.  i called wednesday when i thought we were supposed to meet and left a message asking if he still wanted to meet.  i also texted, just in case he was stuck in a meeting at work and couldn’t call.  the ball is clearly in his court now.  i refuse to be one of those clingy, desperate girls who calls every two seconds until she gets an answer.  i’m just not hardwired to be that kind of girl; i’m the complete antithesis of needy.

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so now i wait.  i won’t call, i won’t email, i just wait.  and if i don’t hear from him, so be it.  such a shame, though, because he had so much potential.

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and then there was the OTHER guy who WASN’T so high on the “strong possibilities” list.  i get a random text from him the other night that said “what are you up to?”  i tell him i’m about to go to bed, since it’s 11pm and I have an early day.  His response was “A better idea would be to come run naked with me in the rain.”

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.what.

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I did NOT know this guy well enough for him to be making jokes like that.  in fact, i found his persistent texts and his inability to listen to what i was really saying a little annoying and exhausting.  like one time, i was babysitting, and told him i was doing so and that the baby was really crying and being fussy, and his response was “have you ever heard vinyl on an actual record player?”

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-pause-

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oooookay.  i decide to ignore the text because 1)the baby in my arms was screaming directly into my left ear and 2)what the crap did that have to do with crap??

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this weekend has given me a lot of time to look over assignments i’d been putting off, but now i’m left with the guy quandary.  i guess more answers are to come.  hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving!

the things you learn on a random outing with friends November 24, 2008

this past weekend, a few friends and I headed north to one of their parents’ house. he was supposed to dog-sit for his parents who were out of town, so the rest of us jumped in the car with him and headed out. it was definitely an interesting journey, the kind you never expect to have, but often find yourself engaged in when out with good friends.

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let me preface this by saying that i’m what some might classify as an “over sharer.” actually, i’m more of an “over asker” rather than an over sharer. i’m a curious person by nature, so if i am around those i trust, i tend to let the gauntlet of “interesting” questions come out. i love being around people who aren’t put off by this, but who are, in fact, compelled to ask an “interesting” question themselves after my question, thus, perpetuating the cycle of knowledge

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so we’re in the car and on the way to the parental units house when my we get on the subject of significant others. quirks, likes, dislikes, etc. we mulled over each topic, and somehow or other, we began discussing the way you clasp hands. you know how, if you’re just sitting there waiting for something, you sometimes have the tendency to clasp your hands together? everyone in the car, except for one of my friends, clasped their hands so that the top thumb is the left-hand thumb. that led to the topic of hand holding with a significant other. most of the people in the car were girls, and every one of us agreed that it was odd to be the arm on top/in front (aka the “dominant arm”).

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the driver (and the only guy) was willing to play along when we each made him hold our hands to see which “clasp” worked best between a girl and a guy.   the funny thing was, i used to have a bit of a crush on him, too, so holding his hand was like a flashback to the good ole days i’m not sure when i grew out of the crush, but somewhere along the line i began to realize that i was sometimes embarrassed by him when we were out in public. not necessarily like i didn’t want to be seen with him or anything, but certain ways he reacted to things would kind of make me cringe a little. i think i’m so “others” focused that i am always bracing for the reaction of others. i don’t think this would necessarily cause my crush to diminish; i think it was more the fact that he wasn’t interested in me…

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anyway, so we strolled up to the restaurant hand-in-hand, and i remember thinking “hey, this isn’t so bad.” and then i moved on. or, so i thought.

—

lunch was filled with some of the most hilarious conversation i’ve had in ages.  we discussed the fact that men “man-scape” up north and down south and how girls vary in their waxing preferences.  from the landing strip, to the full brazilian, to the overgrown jungle (a la natural),  women and men both are taking some pretty similar steps in the same direction.  could it be that men and women have finally begun to stride in unison?!  unheard of!   i found out the “maintenance preference” for every single person there, including the guy!!  so much i did NOT know about my friends before!

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personally, i never saw the point in a landing strip.  if a guy or girl needs a landing strip to find the location of where they’re going, that is a sad, sad sign, my friends.  conversely, if the guy or girl has trouble “locating the docking station,” then it’s a sign that a little home maintenance might do a person some good, no?  that’s just my two cents…

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anyway, we get to his place, where we encounter the most playful dog known to man. i think it’s weird that when i see a guy in a family-type setting, i start to dig them a little more. like, i love dads who are super playful with their kids. i love guys who will walk a dog. i love guys who do the little things like clean a gutter without complaining. family-type settings. the funny thing is, i’m not even sure i want kids, but the fact that they can do these types of things gives them a few extra brownie points in my book.

—

he was super playful and cute with his dog, and i was starting to worry that the crush i buried was starting to bubble up again.  when we all went to the dog park, there were several times where he looked at me and i had to quickly glance away, lest i show any sign of interest in my eyes.  he wasn’t even looking at me in that way, but i was still careful to shield my eyes with my sunglasses.  is that silly?

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in any case, i know that my rush of affection was mainly just from seeing him in a different light – i’m sure they don’t really mean anything.  but it’s just interesting to think that these little flutterings of feelings i thought i outgrew could creep back out when i least expected it!

In Over My Head November 21, 2008

so i kept telling myself that i was done with online searches. the paid sites were getting me nowhere, the free sites were getting me nowhere…i was done! but i couldn’t stop looking. it was like a bad car accident that people drive past and have to look at. oddly enough, when i drive past bad accidents, i can’t look. but with the dating sites (and i use that term loosely), i’m like a junkie who needs her fix. most of the time i just look for a quiet chuckle. it’s amazing what people will advertise. it’s also interesting what people will have as their username. i’m sorry, but if your username has the words “killer,” “killa,” “bomb,” or “machete,” it’s safe to say i won’t be responding to your emails.

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however, i’ve recently gone into overdrive with the browsing, and even sent out a couple of emails. i usually don’t reach out unless i can find out more about the person through my trusty little search engine (google <3), but i decided to bite the bullet and just reach out to the people that sound interesting, google search be damned.

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the good: i’ve gotten a LOT of positive feedback from people.  the bad?  this has led to an increase in emails and correspondence in my life.  so much so that i’m finding myself, for the first time ever, unable to answer all my emails.  it’s like adding another full time job on top of my full time job and school!  there just simply isn’t enough time to get to them all!  and then i feel guilty for not getting back to them because i always try to respond to my email pretty quickly.

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on top of that, this week has been so  busy and work-filled for me that i haven’t had the chance to just chill and unwind at all.  now i’ve got several people asking if i want to go out this weekend and i might just have to say no.  it’s funny how timing and i are never on the same side.  when i wanted to go out, nobody was free.  now that i’m so busy i can barely breathe, everyone is asking for time.

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i guess i did it to myself by diving back into the online world, but perhaps these people will be willing to wait.  besides, what’s the fun in rush-rush dating, right?

Wow me with your werrrrds November 12, 2008

So…i should probably just re-name this site to “the many reasons i will never do online dating.”  just because i’m NOT looking for someone online doesn’t i’ve curbed my obsession with reading online profiles.  today, i went to my latest fave: craigslist.  i had been casually checking the site out, and then started to notice some trends.

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trend 1 = people who post multiple posts in one day.
I get that sometimes people post every other day or so, but multiple times in a day is just a little excessive, isn’t it?  and each time they re-post, the profile changes just a wee bit, but still comes across with the same message.  And then there are the ones that completely change.  Which brings me to trend 2.

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trend 2 = people who change their profiles to make themselves seem more appealing.
i saw one guy post his profile so many different ways, but with the same pictures and a word changed here or there, that it just kind of made me sad.  what about the poor girl who stumbles across profile change #57 and thinks she’s met “the one,” but the wise reader (*ahem* me!) knows that that person has obsessively tweaked their profile more times than a junky takes a hit?  this one guy who i guess wasn’t getting any responses completely changed his profile to say that he was an out-of-towner who didn’t know English and was looking to make American friends.  iiiiinteresting.  because just a few posts before that, he was speaking perfect english and using some pretty derogatory language.  i guess he figured out women don’t respond positively to that.  hmmm, go figure

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trend 3 = the guys who want it all.
everyone deserves the best.  but i don’t get guys who have all these CRAZY restrictions and expectations.  For example, I took this one right off good ole CL: “You need to be slim (i.e. dress size of 8 or less; probably less and as you’re busty the lower part of your body is probably less than a dress size 8 . .. some special exceptions apply if you’re slender and really busty . .. dress size 8 is pretty much the limit unless you have some very special exception and being big boned doesn’t count. HA!) with good skin, good teeth and a very pretty face. Your hair color is optional. Your legs should be shapely. Bonus if long. Flat tummy. Nice bone structure all around. Thin back with the spinal bone showing is a bonus. Shapely ass. Race optional but white or white-looking is preferred.” It’s like he wants a barbie, basically.

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i hate to be a negative nelly, but maybe their high expectations are the reason they’re single…i mean, this guy didn’t even post his picture.  10 to 1 says he isn’t even cute enough to be as demanding as he is.

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so i guess it comes down to me being a skeptic about the honesty and crassness of men, and these ads aren’t helping the cause.  the funny thing is, the two men i met from online sites were completely honest about everything.  but i’m beginning to think i lucked out, and there are a lot more smarmy folks in the world than i originally thought.

just a peek, i swear! November 7, 2008

so even though i’ve decided that online dating is not for me right now, i can’t help but keep conducting “research” on the types of men who post on these dating sites.  i’m CONSTANTLY flabbergasted at the stuff people put out there – no, seriously. open invitations for one night stands, men who have girlfriends out of town and want someone to cheat with them (ahem, pardon me but WHAT THE CRAP?!), people who are looking for “a NSA (no strings attached) night of fun.”

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…this isn’t what “looking for love” has been reduced to, has it??

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it seems the more access people have to the site (aka: FREE), the more brazen (or should i say cheap? har har) the ads get. for example; when i did my research on a paid site, it was all pretty legit. everyone on there was genuinely trying to find someone they connect with. my second site was a “look for free, but pay to connect” site. sure, a few guys who were soliciting “nocturnal events” slipped by, but the majority of the guys on there were not faking.

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and then there was the FREEST of sites. craigslist. ahhhhh, craigslist. you can obtain an apartment, furniture to go in that apartment, cars, books, and a job, all while “looking for love,” as well!

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i opened up the page, not really sure what to expect. i got my answer soon enough. ad after ad, the ones i browsed were straight up looking for f*** buddies. i mean, really. i guess i applaud their honesty, but does this really work for them? i can’t imagine many women who would go for that…

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then there were the guys who spout on and on about how rich they are. is this how you want to get a girl, with your money? cause that’s like a speed pass to the “gold digger” valley. and then in your ad, you mention your wealth, but then say that you don’t want women to fall for you just because of your wealth. then why put it in the ad?? if you REALLY didn’t want someone to date you because of your money, don’t make it the first thing that they know about you!

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and then there are the pictures. oh, my…the pictures. it’s weird, the pictures that guys will post. i mean, yes, maybe i don’t look great in 100% (or even 20% of my pictures, if we’re being honest), but that’s why i don’t post the ugg-o pics. but guys post these pictures with surly, sour faces, or just a picture of their abs (with their faces cut off! again, is a girl going to fall for you without seeing your face and just your abs??), or pictures of other *ahem* nether-regions. that’s right, folks. i’ve seen quite a few “mr. peepers” make their debuts on good ole craigslist. yikes!

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and then there are the people who call themselves attractive or cute. SO MANY! don’t get me wrong, i applaud people who have some healthy self-esteem. but isn’t the cute factor supposed to be determined by someone else? shouldn’t you let the reader judge for themselves?  i sent one of the particularly jarring pictures i stumbled upon to my friend, who responded with “He looks like a bastard child of Wentworth Miller and Pinky from Animaniacs.  Why so forlorn, lonely boy?”

+    = 

i mean, sure, his body is good…but the awkward head tilt (that’s somewhere in between “i could kick your ass if you look at me cross-eyed” and “no, really, i can hold you when you cry”), plus the shameless shirtless factor, plus the dumbo-proportionate ears that are MAGNIFIED by the head tilt, plus the fact that he’s probably grabbing his crotch juuuuust below the picture cut off all add up to creepy.  and what’s with the head tilt + mad dogging combo?  is that supposed to be attractive?

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i guess i’m just not one of those people who would start an ad with any of the following words: “sexy,” “gorgeous,” “hot,” “beautiful” or “stunning.”  have i ever been called these things?  sure.  but i’m not taking one person’s opinion and betting that everyone feels the same!

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i guess what i’m trying to say is to those who may have been blowing sunshine up my ass all those years when i was younger: a big, gigantic thank you. while i do appreciate brutal honesty now that i’ve got a one-way ticket to “over-the-hill,” i understand that the sunshine you were creating was so critical to me in those early, formative years where my self-esteem was hanging on by a thread.

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and should i ever decide to go back to online dating, may i never post an ad proclaiming to the world that i am anything but what i am.  amen.

sap-tastic November 3, 2008

let me just start by saying that i am not a mushy person.  sure, i’m tickled when someone goes out of their way and does something sweet for me, but i’m honestly just not used to it.  in high school, i had to TELL my boyfriend over and over that i didn’t want anything because he kept saying he didn’t know what to get me for my birthday.  it go so bad that i finally just told him to get me a single flower.

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I really like this orange-y red flower, but didn’t know the exact name of it, so i just told him to get me an orange rose.

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he ended up getting me an orange daisy…

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it’s not that he didn’t try, but it was just so odd that he went for a completely different flower.  and that was the general way every other relationship i had went.  sweet attempts at affection that were probably borrowed from past relationships because they were never quite something i liked.

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other than that foibled high school attempt, i’ve never really had a guy who went out of his way to surprise me.  so tonight, when i was stumbled across this show that was doing a special on surprise engagements, i had to admit that my curiosity was piqued.

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this guy flew his girlfriend out to paris for a “vacation,” and planned this crazy elaborate proposal.  he knew her so well; he knew she would want a private proposal, he knew her dresses hadn’t been tailored yet so he brought it to get tailored without her knowing it, and then he flew her whole family out there and didn’t tell her.  on the way to the cathedral, she started crying because she wanted her family to be there to see her get married.  as they got closer to the cathedral, she spotted her waving family and started crying even harder.

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it was so amazing how much he just got her.  if i met a guy who could make me cry that much with his sweetness (rather than by being a jerk or a d-bag), i’d marry him in a heartbeat.  but maybe that’s WHY i haven’t met that guy yet – i’m NOT ready to marry.  But i guess they say when you meet the one, you’ll know.  as for now, i maintain that i’m not ready.

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and it’s not like i’m unrealistic and think that EVERY guy is like the guy on that show.  in fact, i know most guys AREN’T like that guy on the show, and i wouldn’t expect them to be.  but i can’t help but hope to inspire that kind of love and affection in another person one day; where they know me so well inside and out, where their simple gestures can move me to tears, where they know when i’m having a bad day and can instantly make it better just by being there.

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okay, okay….sap-tastic post over!  over and out.