Generation Y – A Gamophobic Society? December 5, 2008

this morning as i was getting ready to leave for work, my thoughts wandered over to two of my friends who were both in serious relationships for a long amount of time. both of them, i thought, were on the marriage path. in fact, one of them was actually engaged to her guy. the other friend moved to another country to be with his girl. i just figured that since he made such a big gesture, marriage was a hop, skip, and a jump away.

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then i heard that both of them were suddenly, unexpectedly single. apparently each one wasn’t quite ready for marriage and their significant others couldn’t take it any more. i understand that if one partner is working towards marriage and the other isn’t that it can usually be the thing that breaks couples up. however, these two cases were so completely mind-boggling!

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my girlfriend and her guy were engaged. here is the email she wrote to me and several other friends, explaining the whole sordid deal. brace yourself, it’s a doozy….

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“I’ll try to spare you details but a little over two months ago my EX-fiance and I decided to postpone our wedding, which was supposed to occur in July 2008. Apparently this was a huge blow to Jeff’s (name changed) ego and his faith in our relationship became strained. It didn’t really seem to be a problem until about 2 weeks ago when I started having trouble reaching Jeff on his phone. One night I drove all around trying to see if I could find him because I was worried about him. I didn’t hear back from him until the next afternoon when he said something about being with coworkers and leaving his phone in his car. Then I didn’t hear from him for the rest of that night even though I tried to reach him to invite him to some events. His later explanation for this was something about his car charger and phone battery not working, although I poked some holes in this reasoning because I pointed out that when I called, the phone did not go straight to voicemail, which is what usually happens when phone batteries die. Anyway I was sick the following week and Jeff did not want to “risk getting sick” so we did not really see each other or talk much until last Thursday, when Jeff asked if he could stop by my place. He was here for about 15 minutes. This consisted of him taking the key to his house off my keychain and saying how he had been really hurt by our postponing the wedding and that he felt like things were really hard for us since our schedules often didn’t work out. He then reminded me that he was going to be working on a work assignment in the desert for 3 months starting in January, and that he felt he would like to “cut ties” before he goes, and that he wanted to be free. I didn’t really know what to say – this was all out of left field, although I had been having thoughts that our relationship wasn’t doing so great.

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Ok so then before leaving last Thursday Jeff told me he was going on a business trip out “into the desert” this past weekend and that he’d be gone starting Friday and wouldn’t really have cell phone reception on the military base. Therefore I didn’t really bother trying to reach him. I didn’t hear from him until this Tuesday afternoon, when he called me at work to get my credit card info so he could cancel our gym membership, and he told me he was separating our checking account too and that he was “happy with his life”. I probed him about this, wondering if he meant we really did break up and that he was sticking to it so I asked if he was “happy with… the new turn it had taken?” He said yes. So I decided we really were breaking up and started getting used to the idea of just being friends with him. By yesterday (Wed.) I had accepted that maybe it was for the best – some people just aren’t meant to be together. and we had different goals – he wanted to settle down and get married, and I wasn’t *quite* ready for that yet. Anyways he called me again at work yesterday and asked if we could meet up and talk after work. I figured we were finally going to have a serious talk about “taking a break” for a while, so naturally I agreed.

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Jeff seemed really happy when I got to his house. We chatted like good friends, and he said he was sorry that our relationship didn’t work out but that he was available to talk whenever I needed someone and that I could call him if I needed an “escort” or somewhere to keep my dogs. I started to feel better about the idea that we could have a good transition from a romantic to a friendly relationship, and I told him I thought we would make good friends and I would support him finding somebody else who made him happy. ANYWAY, long story short, Jeff’s phone rang when I was about done moving my boxes from his garage into my car. I was still forcing a bright mood at this time. He said his friend was coming, and he gave directions to his house. Then this girl pulled up and it was this Chinese girl I had met a few weeks ago when I stopped by his house to get help with a flat tire. I was friendly to her and then Jeff went to introduce us – and here comes the bombshell. He said “Sherry (name changed), meet MRS. SMITH (name changed)”. Jeff’s last name is Smith (name changed). He then went on, in the same excited attitude, to tell me about how they were in the same internship program at work and that they had gotten to know each other better starting ONE week ago and realized they both had similar stories about their romantic situations. THEN he told me that they went to Las Vegas with some other coworkers last weekend and GOT MARRIED!!!!! They both had wedding bands on to prove it. Apparently she’s met his family (who thinks she’s only a girlfriend still), and they showed her his baby pictures. Obviously I was in disbelief, but by this time I was playing the “platonic friend” role to a T. I told them how excited I was for them, and that I was glad he found somebody who makes him happy. He joyfully stated that she made him “really, really happy”. He then suggested that I talk to her sometime because I could share with her some info about him since I knew him better than she did. I said, sure, send me her contact info. Then we talked about how she was going to move into his house and watch over his room while he was away on his business travels, and then after that they would live there together, since of course, that’s what married people do. He told me their “official wedding day” when they get re-married in the Catholic Church is going to be Christmas Eve of next year and that I was invited if I wanted to go – I said of course. He invited me to stay for dinner – I felt like saying I’d rather eat razor blades but politely declined and took off.

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I’m really good at pretending to be okay, as I’ve been hearing a lot recently. Jeff got a kick out of telling me how even their coworkers who had witnessed the ceremony didn’t even believe it was for real. It is for real. What’s rather unbelievable is how both of them seemed so clueless to the fact that I was faking to be genuinely happy for them and supportive – I mean, how could I be? I AM human…

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Well, that’s the story. The killer is that Jeff never really told me we weren’t going to be together anymore before he got married. And he lied about where he went last weekend. And now he thinks I’m totally cool with everything. Do I even know this person? I didn’t think he was an unfaithful person. Anyway I’m sorry this is such a convoluted tale. I wanted you to hear it from me and not from rumors. I am relieved that I did not feel pressured to marry before I felt ready. Mostly I am just in shock. I really appreciate the support, but do not pity me. I’m not “falling apart” – I will move on soon and if I laugh it is because you all make me happy and bring joy into my life. Also, I do not prefer to talk over the phone, so please write me back if you want or you can just feel indignation on my behalf – that will be good enough.

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Maybe someday I will be able to sleep normally again…”

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my heart ached after reading this. literally. i felt like i would completely melt into a puddle and like i would need to lie in bed for 2 weeks with the covers pulled tight over my head after reading this. the man she loved, the man she had a relationship with, just up and MARRIED someone else without even telling my friend they were officially over. who does that?!? true, she wasn’t completely ready to marry, but they had set a date! that showed commitment to SOMETHING! this happened a while ago, but it still shocks me every time i think about it. and he was ex-military, which makes me even MORE hesitant to date anyone who was ex-military!

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my guy friend’s story is kind of the same, except he moved to a whole ‘nother country to be with this girl. they were together three years, and then she got mad when he didn’t propose. they were on vacation in some other country when she asked him when he was going to propose. he said he wasn’t ready, and after they got back from vacation, she dumped him. he was devastated, of course, but tried to keep her as a friend. like the other story, he couldn’t reach her for a few days and when he finally did get a hold of her to talk, she was already re-married. She had re-married three days after they got back from their vacation!!!!!!! THREE DAYS!!!!! and both of these friends had it happen in a similar time period, too. what an odd little coincidence.

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i mean, how do you go from LOVING someone and wanting to spend your life with them to marrying someone completely different in a matter of days or weeks?? it scares me, too, because you really never know about other people. you can put yourself out there, and feel like your significant other is on the same page as you the whole time, when, really, they’re not.

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but it also makes me think – is the Y generation gamophobic? Are we afraid of marriage because we feel the need to establish ourselves, grow up, be independent before we commit…or are we really just afraid of marriage itself? i know it scares the heck out of me! i definitely am NOT ready for marriage, but i’ve got a whole laundry list of reasons as to why i’m not ready. i mean, i’m not even IN a relationship; of course i wouldn’t be ready for marriage! these two friends were in serious relationships for pretty long, but what made them “not ready”?

hey, that’s about ME…i think? December 1, 2008

do you ever wonder if the cosmos are giving you the old wink-n-nudge?  in one of the online blogs I really enjoy reading, the writer mentions the “missed connections” section of craigslist.  i had never even noticed that section until she pointed it out, so of course as soon as i heard about it, i rushed over to the site to see what i was missing, and now check it every morning to see what else pops up.  most of the time the stuff on there is good for a little morning chuckle, but today i actually saw one that i thought had the possibility of being about me!

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All the ad said was: “You were out of your car and kicking the tire Sunday evening. If this sounds familiar, drop me a line. I’d enjoy talking with you.”

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i guess the ad is pretty ambiguous and applicable to anyone, really, but how many people would be in MY town, kicking their front tires on a Sunday evening?  and just WHY was i out of my car and kicking my tires, you ask?  okay, let me explain…

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i’ve always, ALWAYS had this weird, irrational fear that my tires are bad.  I guess it isn’t SO irrational, since i did once have a blowout on the freeway.  but still – most people never even really give more than a passing thought to their tires.  me?  i’m all-consumed with my tires.  i used to drive a beater of a car that had been passed down from my aunt, to my sister, to my grandfather, to my mom, to me.  it was almost 20 years old by the time i got it, and it was a miracle it could even start every morning.   anyway, that car was a trooper.  my aunt had put it through a pretty serious accident, my grandfather had “dinged” many objects while behind the wheel, my mom was known to bump a few curbs when parking – so i guess by the time it came to me, it was fed up with being abused.  ironically, i was the one who took the best care of it.  i was also the only one to ever experience a blowout with it.  we’re talking completely shredded tire, hubcap flying off, screaming sister in the passenger seat action.  i was surprisingly  calm throughout the whole thing, but maybe that’s because my sister was going nuts enough for both of us.  she was on the phone with her then-boyfriend, and all i remember is her screaming in this crazy, melodramatic fashion and ME being the one to calm her down as i pulled over to the side of the road.

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i guess my calm reaction was my “emergency response” reaction (aka i was calm because it was in the moment and because my sister was having a freak out attack next to me), because now i’m ten kinds of paranoid about my tires.

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aaaaanyway, that was a long explanation as to why i was out of my car and checking my front tire as i was driving back from thanksgiving with the family.  i was rounding a curve, and i felt the car shift pretty sharply to the right, almost the same kind of sharp shift i felt the time my tire had popped, and then heard a weird thump-thumping.  i pulled over to the side of the road to check out the situation, but all was fine.

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okay, i don’t really think the ad is about me, but it’s funny to think that someone somewhere in my neck of the woods was also kicking their tires yesterday

post-Thanksgiving ponderings November 30, 2008

so, as the long weekend slowly winds down, i’m left in the wake of my guilty, mashed potato-induced lethargy.  it’s been a weird week, to be honest.  i have been consistently emailing this guy back and forth for about two weeks, and we were supposed to meet the wednesday before thanksgiving, but we never did meet up.  in fact, i still haven’t heard from him via email or phone since Tuesday afternoon.  even though the emails were pretty consistent (multiple emails a day, always lengthy and witty, each one showing more and more interest), part of me is getting ready to cast this guy into the “never hear from him again” files.

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the thing that i can’t shake, though, is how real this guy seemed.  i mean, i know you’re thinking: how much can you REALLY know from 20 something emails and a phone conversation, right?  but why would he put so much effort into responding (and responding quickly, for that matter) and writing such lengthy, interesting emails?  i got the guy’s full name, i googled him, he existed all over the internet as a “not creepy loner guy,” so what gives?

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part of me is wondering if maybe he suffered some horrible accident Tuesday night that rendered him unable to pick up the phone or power up the old laptop?  and then the other part of me wonders: what if he just didn’t bother to call?  no reason, no nothing.  isn’t it too early for the ambivalence?  i mean, if we make plans to meet up and you’re already pulling a no-show without any reason, that can’t be a good sign.  and, if that IS the case, do i just accept the fact that he didn’t call and decide to give him another chance when he decides he wants to meet up?  ahhh, the question marks of the dating world.

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yes, he hasn’t called.  but neither have i.  and really, i don’t think it should be my job to call at this point.  i called wednesday when i thought we were supposed to meet and left a message asking if he still wanted to meet.  i also texted, just in case he was stuck in a meeting at work and couldn’t call.  the ball is clearly in his court now.  i refuse to be one of those clingy, desperate girls who calls every two seconds until she gets an answer.  i’m just not hardwired to be that kind of girl; i’m the complete antithesis of needy.

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so now i wait.  i won’t call, i won’t email, i just wait.  and if i don’t hear from him, so be it.  such a shame, though, because he had so much potential.

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and then there was the OTHER guy who WASN’T so high on the “strong possibilities” list.  i get a random text from him the other night that said “what are you up to?”  i tell him i’m about to go to bed, since it’s 11pm and I have an early day.  His response was “A better idea would be to come run naked with me in the rain.”

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.what.

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I did NOT know this guy well enough for him to be making jokes like that.  in fact, i found his persistent texts and his inability to listen to what i was really saying a little annoying and exhausting.  like one time, i was babysitting, and told him i was doing so and that the baby was really crying and being fussy, and his response was “have you ever heard vinyl on an actual record player?”

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-pause-

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oooookay.  i decide to ignore the text because 1)the baby in my arms was screaming directly into my left ear and 2)what the crap did that have to do with crap??

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this weekend has given me a lot of time to look over assignments i’d been putting off, but now i’m left with the guy quandary.  i guess more answers are to come.  hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving!

the things you learn on a random outing with friends November 24, 2008

this past weekend, a few friends and I headed north to one of their parents’ house. he was supposed to dog-sit for his parents who were out of town, so the rest of us jumped in the car with him and headed out. it was definitely an interesting journey, the kind you never expect to have, but often find yourself engaged in when out with good friends.

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let me preface this by saying that i’m what some might classify as an “over sharer.” actually, i’m more of an “over asker” rather than an over sharer. i’m a curious person by nature, so if i am around those i trust, i tend to let the gauntlet of “interesting” questions come out. i love being around people who aren’t put off by this, but who are, in fact, compelled to ask an “interesting” question themselves after my question, thus, perpetuating the cycle of knowledge

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so we’re in the car and on the way to the parental units house when my we get on the subject of significant others. quirks, likes, dislikes, etc. we mulled over each topic, and somehow or other, we began discussing the way you clasp hands. you know how, if you’re just sitting there waiting for something, you sometimes have the tendency to clasp your hands together? everyone in the car, except for one of my friends, clasped their hands so that the top thumb is the left-hand thumb. that led to the topic of hand holding with a significant other. most of the people in the car were girls, and every one of us agreed that it was odd to be the arm on top/in front (aka the “dominant arm”).

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the driver (and the only guy) was willing to play along when we each made him hold our hands to see which “clasp” worked best between a girl and a guy.   the funny thing was, i used to have a bit of a crush on him, too, so holding his hand was like a flashback to the good ole days i’m not sure when i grew out of the crush, but somewhere along the line i began to realize that i was sometimes embarrassed by him when we were out in public. not necessarily like i didn’t want to be seen with him or anything, but certain ways he reacted to things would kind of make me cringe a little. i think i’m so “others” focused that i am always bracing for the reaction of others. i don’t think this would necessarily cause my crush to diminish; i think it was more the fact that he wasn’t interested in me…

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anyway, so we strolled up to the restaurant hand-in-hand, and i remember thinking “hey, this isn’t so bad.” and then i moved on. or, so i thought.

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lunch was filled with some of the most hilarious conversation i’ve had in ages.  we discussed the fact that men “man-scape” up north and down south and how girls vary in their waxing preferences.  from the landing strip, to the full brazilian, to the overgrown jungle (a la natural),  women and men both are taking some pretty similar steps in the same direction.  could it be that men and women have finally begun to stride in unison?!  unheard of!   i found out the “maintenance preference” for every single person there, including the guy!!  so much i did NOT know about my friends before!

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personally, i never saw the point in a landing strip.  if a guy or girl needs a landing strip to find the location of where they’re going, that is a sad, sad sign, my friends.  conversely, if the guy or girl has trouble “locating the docking station,” then it’s a sign that a little home maintenance might do a person some good, no?  that’s just my two cents…

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anyway, we get to his place, where we encounter the most playful dog known to man. i think it’s weird that when i see a guy in a family-type setting, i start to dig them a little more. like, i love dads who are super playful with their kids. i love guys who will walk a dog. i love guys who do the little things like clean a gutter without complaining. family-type settings. the funny thing is, i’m not even sure i want kids, but the fact that they can do these types of things gives them a few extra brownie points in my book.

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he was super playful and cute with his dog, and i was starting to worry that the crush i buried was starting to bubble up again.  when we all went to the dog park, there were several times where he looked at me and i had to quickly glance away, lest i show any sign of interest in my eyes.  he wasn’t even looking at me in that way, but i was still careful to shield my eyes with my sunglasses.  is that silly?

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in any case, i know that my rush of affection was mainly just from seeing him in a different light – i’m sure they don’t really mean anything.  but it’s just interesting to think that these little flutterings of feelings i thought i outgrew could creep back out when i least expected it!

semi-awkward encounter #3 – election edition! November 4, 2008

so today is election day.  if you voted, proudly sport your “i voted” sticker and receive the free goodies being tossed at you from every food and beverage company you could think of (krispy kreme, starbucks, and ben and jerry’s, to name a few).  if you didn’t vote, what are you waiting for??  GO VOTE!!

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i thought i’d outsmart the masses and beat the crowds by getting to my polling place by 7:15am.  i dutifully stood in line, with my little sample ballot book and mentally zoned out (hey, it was early, i didn’t need to be my usual engaging self!).  there were a good 20 or so people ahead of me, but definitely not the 2 hour disaster/wait i had the last time i voted.  i get to the little reception table after about 20 minutes of waiting in line and hand the volunteer (who looked like she belonged in high school and had the attitude to match…) my information.  she thumbs through the bajillion pages of names they have, scratches her head, and flips through the booklet again.  she stops mid-flip and looks at my information again, and then goes “oh, you’re actually at the wrong place.”

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what.

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“surely there must be a mistake.  isn’t this *****?”

“yes, but that’s actually over there, just across the street.”

D’oh!

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feeling like the biggest geek that ever graced the earth, i hustle over to the other polling place, only to stand in line for another 30 minutes.  i gotta say, i was somewhat comforted by the fact that i saw several people in line who were at the originally at the other polling place, as well.  although, this time was kinda nice.  why, you ask?  enter: cute man waiting to vote, stage left!  well, actually, i guess it was ME entering stage left, technically, since he was already in line when i got there.

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he strikes up a conversation and we talk about politics, propositions, and my failed attempt at beating the masses.  we agreed on a lot of the issues, and i even found out that he donated to the person i was voting for.  the time passes way too quickly and before you know it, we’re at the check-in table already.

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i was trying to be subtle and ask for his name, but then the volunteer at the table started asking him for his ID and I lost my nerve.  i couldn’t pick up a guy at a polling place!  that’s like picking up a guy at a funeral…or something equally as awkward.  so i was going through my ballot at breakneck speed (i mean, i was already educated on the propositions and the people i wanted to vote for) to try to catch up with my cute voter, but he must have slipped out while i had my head down, madly filling in bubbles.

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another opportunity missed.  i swear, my timing is like 10 beats behind everyone else’s.  although, i suppose if he had been interested, he would have waited for me.  so i’m not that heartbroken about it.  but it was definitely a semi-awkward encounter.  whoda thunk it?  meeting some cute while in the line to vote.  ahhh, democracy 

the fundamental difference between men and women October 30, 2008

here is an excerpt of a conversation i had with a friend. it kinda knocked my socks off, how much we THINK we know about the opposite sex, only to be proven WRONG time and again. This was the man she dated for about a year, and she’s telling me about the last conversation they had:

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her: “he’s seeing someone. super religious. so he basically isn’t going to get any. and he tells me now that he has her, he wants me, but if he had me, he’d want her”

her: and he asks if wanna hook up still

me: !!!!!!!!!

her: he’s trying to use me

me: what the crippity crap?!

her: so i tell him hell no and i say, can you even attempt to be decent to this girl you’re dating?
and get this he says “like you really care about her. you don’t even know her.”

her: “well, i know how to be a DECENT person! and i know i wouldn’t want anyone doing this to me”
he says “you’re right.. you’re a nice person. but hey, just wanted to put it out there. if you change your mind, i’m totally up for it.”

that’s when i knew i despised him.

the converstaion we last had was so messed up
i told him i didnt wanna be friends anymore

her: and he was like “no! don’t do that, that’ll make me want you even more”

her: he wants what he can’t have.

me: wtf is WRONG with guys?!?!?

her: then he said, “maybe you want guys you can’t have either, that’s why you like me”

and i said “no, i don’t have problems like you do”

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Is it always about sex with guys? sex and the chase? Seriously? This is someone he cried over, someone he said he could see himself marrying, degrading her to a useless “friend with benefits.” she was so shocked, because he literally was the most decent guy she had ever met, with strong morals and genuine care for others. but apparently he showed a whole different side of himself once they broke up.

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it scares me that people can be so different than how they portray themselves. i’m so honest and in your face about who i am that i never stop to think that people around me could be creating personas left and right.

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i’m just wondering if men and women will ever want the same things. It’s so easy to say that the spark is what drew you to someone, but what about after that? After you find out that that person is NOT who you thought they were? Do you dismiss the spark, or do you simply fall victim to “you can’t help who you love”? I don’t get it, love is so illogical.

awkward encounter #2 October 27, 2008

Sooo, in this post, i mention how great i am at getting into, and perpetuating, awkward moments. today, that little diddy replayed itself in my life, but with different lead characters.

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i was in the supermarket (WHYYYYY do these awkward moments always happen in the market?) after a double duty day of 8 hours of work and 3 hours of class, so i was a little in beta (aka low-functioning) mode. i was picking up avocados and squeezing them to see which ones were ripe when i heard a familiar, slightly nasal voice call out to someone nearby. i look up and almost dropped my avocado. it was my friend, too blond nick!

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too blond nick was this guy i met in my first year of undergrad. he and i lived on the same floor first year, and then during the rest of undergrad, i always managed to run into him over and over. after graduation, though, it was like he fell off the face of the earth. i literally had been thinking about him lately like CRAZY, and my curiosity heightened even more when i met a friend of his (who i never met in college) who was still in contact with him and let me know that too blond nick was still in town!

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i did everything i could think to resurrect him from the dead; facebooked, texted, emailed, but it was literally like he disappeared. but today, i literally ran into him over the avocados and it was so crazy! in any normal situation, i woulda hugged the fella and gone on chatting and chatting for as long as my breath was still going…but his wife was looming in the distance, shooting off some mean “back up off my man, bitch!” vibes.

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and so it was awkward. like, BIG time awkward. it was like seeing a long-lost sibling and not being able to hug them. and we both stood there, me with my avocados in hand and him with a loaf of bread, awkwardly shifting from foot to foot while his wife laser-eyed me from a near distance. and the conversation that i wanted to have; the one where i updated him on my life, on how i had met some people recently who he knew, of how i hadn’t had wahoos since that time he and i went, could never happen while his wife stood awkwardly by.

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so i guess it was more tragic than awkward…but let me tell you, in the moment, it FELT extremely awkward.

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“I Have a Girlfriend” October 17, 2008

From Sex and the City:

Charlotte: He should’ve mentioned her earlier.
Samantha: But not too early. I hate it when men do that. “I have a girlfriend.” Calm down, I just asked if that seat was taken!

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I’ve never really had the case where a man will randomly spout out that they have a girlfriend, but i did come across a strange encounter the other day. it was so weird that i had to put it out there. during one of the many interviews i’ve been conducting in the past two weeks, this guy kept tossing out the fact that he had a girlfriend.

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now don’t get me wrong: once or twice would have been fine, especially if in those instances, she had something to do with the question that was being asked. but he just kept referring to his girlfriend OVER and OVERRRR during the interview at random moments, so much so that i had to take a step back (mentally) and wonder if i was sending him some kind of weird, screaming message that i was interested without even knowing it. i totally wasn’t doing anything much besides sitting there like a sleep-deprived zombie (hey, it was 8am in the morning and i had a late class the night before!!), but couldn’t help wondering if he thought i was interested because of the way he was acting. maybe he mistook my zombified stare for a look of longing and adoration?

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and it wasn’t like it was just me who was in the interview! there was another man interviewing with me, as well, so i was doing a lot of casual observing and note-taking, but not a lot of talking. after the interview, the other interviewer said “he’s a smooth card, eh?” and then i REALLY began to wonder if i was subconsciously drooling and not even realizing it…but then he mentioned the fact that the guy brought up his girlfriend A LOT, and how it was kind of unnecessary…and i felt a little better about it all. it wasn’t just me who thought the gf talk was a little excessive. and besides, who brings up their girlfriend (mulllltiple times) in an INTERVIEW?? Isn’t the whole point of an interview to sell yourself?

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maybe i’m just a hater because i don’t have some guy out there randomly bringing me up (excessively) during interviews